I used to be anxious - a lot. There was a time when I would lie in bed thinking about what the future might bring. Major transitions in my life would bring long restless nights. The time leading into high school jumps out for me as a time of fear. During my time in eighth grade, I would replay my day after shadowing at local Catholic high schools. I would then imagine what those experiences would bring. A decision this big seemed overwhelming, since it was the first step on the road into my future. This decision would impact what I did after high school and what college I would go to and what career path I would take. Since I came from a small Catholic grade school, the idea of stepping into a large high school, with difficult classes and peers that I did not know, was like holding a map that I could not read. My goal was to predict the path I would take. After all, if I chose the wrong school, my road in front of me could lead to disaster.
These are thoughts of a child, but the pattern of thoughts to predict the future occurred during big moments in my life. This pattern occurred when I took the SATs, leading up to high school graduation, college, job applications, marriage, and the birth of my children—always trying to see the road in front of me. My mind never stopped thinking about what was coming next. I was creating a world that did not exist in my head. Actually worlds. There were too many possible futures to predict just one. I had already drawn the way each moment was supposed to go, and when life did not follow that map, the gap was hard to take. A different world would appear that I did not want.
I did not recognize that I was setting myself up for difficulty. Any time an event did not go the way I wanted, it could result in anger, frustration, and conflict. That’s why the words of Marcus Aurelius in Meditations VII, 8 strike me so much: “Let not the future trouble you; for you will come to it, if come you must, bearing with you the same reason which you are using now to meet the present.” The Stoic wisdom can seem like such an easy idea, but hard in practice. Letting go of future predictions was the antidote to the anxiety those predictions created. The events would have to come to me. I had to retrain myself on how to think in this manner. The powerful part of that statement is actually the second half. That my values, judgments, and knowledge will be there to meet whatever challenge comes my way. Predicting events was a waste of time.
To understand the statement, one must understand the man. Marcus Aurelius was a man who became emperor at 40. He was heir for about 23 years after the emperor Antoninus adopted him. During that time he dedicated himself to his philosophy and raising a family. His adopted father was known for peace and his competent rule. Almost as soon as becoming emperor he faced one challenge after another. War, disease, family and political drama were a constant part of his life for 19 years. He faced tragedies and betrayal head on.
His thoughts on the details of these intrigues are not really known to us today. One moment in particular that is documented in Roman history was when a rebellious general was killed: "And when his head was brought to Antoninus he did not rejoice or exult, but rather was grieved that he had lost an opportunity for showing mercy." Most men would become rattled. Marcus chose compassion. Meditations shows that his values kept him at the duties expected of him.
The letter of Paul to the Philippians 4:6-7 carries similar ideas: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." St. Paul advises that we give up our worries to God, while Marcus gives the instruction to train for the present moment. Thanksgiving is the key part of Paul's message. Being grateful for what we have and trusting that God is at work help us remove our worry. When moments of stress and worry come my way, I think of what the Lord has provided and this comforts me.
As I get older and problems become more complicated and more serious, I lean into the wisdom of the Stoics and of St. Paul. I remind myself that I have no control over past events nor the future. What I can do is treat the present moment with the virtues that I practice.
Forge on,
Musonius
References:
Historia Augusta - https://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Roman/Texts/Historia_Augusta/Avidius_Cassius*.html#1
Marcus Aurelius Meditations, Book VII, 8
Holy Bible, Philippians 4:6–7 (NIV)