Most of us have been there before. It is a beautiful Saturday morning with the sun shining and perfect weather. You want nothing more than to enjoy this day off. It could be walking the dog while hearing the birds chirping, or a slow round of golf, if you are into that. Even sleeping in is on the table. Instead of doing what you really want to do, you are stuck doing a favor for a friend or family member. It could be moving a couch or replacing the brake pads on a friend's car, saving them a few dollars. Don't get me wrong, you are glad to help. In the back of your mind, however, you are thinking that this person owes you a favor and one day will pay you back.
The thought may not be intentional or even have malice behind it. It is an impulse that comes to your mind. This habit may even become more intense if the favors start to stack without getting anything in return. It is human nature to expect a payment for a service that is performed, so it is natural to expect something in return for your good deeds. This is where the impulse can take over if you do not notice. It is as if there is an imaginary ledger that keeps track of the kindness that you have shown. I was very much like this. I wanted the credit from others when a good deed was done.
The internal ledger that we keep was understood by the ancient Stoics. Marcus Aurelius thought about this in his journal, Meditations 5.6, in which he instructs how to this impulse by describing three men: "One man, when he has done a service to another, is ready to set it down to his account as a favor conferred. Another is not ready to do this, but still in his own mind he thinks of the man as his debtor, and he knows what he has done. A third in a manner does not even know what he has done, but he is like a vine which has produced grapes, and seeks for nothing more after it has once produced its proper fruit. As a horse when he has run, a dog when he has tracked the game, a bee when it has made the honey, so a man when he has done a good act does not call out for others to come and see, but he goes on to another act, as a vine goes on to produce again the grapes in season."
According to Marcus, what he described in the third man was to remove the impulse to keep the ledger of our good deeds altogether. This impulse, as previously stated, is a natural human behavior, so how does one stop this? The Stoics believed that self-awareness and self-evaluation were the key to changing the conduct of this habit. Truly focusing on our own actions and thoughts with a gentle critique can help us determine if we are achieving the goal of the person we want to be. That is why journaling is a practice that helps refine our thoughts. This is the act where the character becomes forged internally. Only by putting it to paper can we organize our thoughts in a meaningful way. Marcus points to nature for the ideal—fruit that needs no audience—while knowing we are social beings who notice our good acts and want them noticed, which is why the ledger keeps pulling us. He presses the same point later in Meditations 7.73: "When you’ve done well and another has benefited by it, why like a fool do you look for a third thing on top—credit for the good deed or a favor in return?"
Marcus's vine that bears fruit needs no audience but Jesus goes a step further. We are to give quietly in private so that the crowd does not notice. In Matthew 6:1–4, Jesus states, "Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." Marcus refuses the debtor’s nod and goes on to the next act; Jesus refuses the crowd’s applause and leaves the only reward with the Father who sees in secret.
When performing a good deed that benefits another person, we should not expect credit in return. Marcus warns us to avoid the third thing. According to Jesus, our good acts are to be private, even to ourselves. The human credit is to be ignored, and the Father is the only one that matters. We will be rewarded by the Father who is the only witness, not the crowd's applause. We are to remove the human ledger to give ourselves willingly and move on to the next act, like a vine growing that bears fruit, that only God can see. We are to move forward humbly with a daily practice that requires work, like a forge molding the metal with every blow. This is how character is formed.
Musonius
References:
Marcus Aurelius. Meditations 5.6. Translated by George Long. 1862. Public domain. (Three givers / vine, horse, dog, bee.)
Marcus Aurelius. Meditations 7.73. Translated by Gregory Hays. In Meditations: A New Translation. New York: Modern Library, 2002. (The “third thing.”)
The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Matthew 6:1–4. Crossway, 2001. (Giving in secret; left hand / right hand.)